At one point in time I was Amber. I was a twenty-something and somewhat directionless. I always had big dreams but just didn’t seem to be given the tools to shatter that glass ceiling, despite how hard I worked. I thought I was a career woman. I was fed those delicious lies that were spun by the Government that if I went to University I would land a dream 21k job without having to seek, or graft, or perspire, or compromise my own values.
I was naive and a little bit of a “Bertie Big Bollocks” with my piece of paper and my young enthusiasm (consequently this was systematically bashed out of me as I traversed the world of work!) I soon learned that a) my education meant nothing in the real world & b) I was really going to struggle with working “for” people because of my high morals & my terrible propensity to buck rules and authority (I used to “Think therefore I AM” or something philosophical!) It became apparent to me that THIS was not the life I wanted to live. This 9 to 5 would not allow me to be Living My Best Life (yeah I know the #InstaLingo!)
“You should be writing!” “Write a book!” I was told over and over again by family and close friends. It was monotonous for quite a few years following my University stint because I feel many people (my parents and Husband included and maybe top of the pile in fact) believed that I was wasting my ‘talent’. “It’s not as of writing talent will wither away” I would retort. In fact I have always been lucky to be able to forge the written word and capture an audience (I am a good orator too. A storyteller in this modern world) and I would flippantly pull out my secondary school yearbook and gaffaw at the fact that I was heralded as “Literary God” in the glossy page of the tongue-in-cheek “Most Likely to Be…” section.
I have never had enough patience and on all aspects of life seem to bounce from one thing to another; starting with incredible gusto then whenever it becomes a chore I become “so over it” at the drop of a hat. Or maybe it is when people put an expectation on it that there is some innate need to throw two large middle fingers up in the air as an act of rebellion and the people trying to confine me, label me or gently guide me in a direction that would probably have been a way to thrive at one particular place and grow there! But no… I have to push back and not just a small shove. It seems then I throw no caution to the wind and do the exact opposite to almost sabotage myself and the eventuality that is being offered. I realise I do this. I am working on it. (Still a work in progress but the first step is admitting it right?!)
So long story short I have returned to the idea of writing on my own terms as I now have a real sense of purpose.
I think a lot of people may have been surprised the first time I announced I was pregnant. It probably looked to the outside world like a “happy little accident” as it never seemed as though becoming a mum was on my radar. It probably looked like I was not maternal at all when I used to refuse to hold friends newborn babies. (I know now having my own child how robust they truly are but pre Mother days I used to be worried about how fragile their tiny bodies were and being judged about holding them awkwardly because I cared so much about this tiny, precious soul!!!) My perhaps seemingly “stand off-ish” attitude towards children (perceived by the outside world) was never because the idea of having children didn’t appeal to me. It was because I was led to believe that my own journey into Motherhood may be improbable at best and impossible at worst!
I was existing in work to pay my bills, never feeling fully complete. That all changed as soon as I became pregnant the first time. Behind the scenes the struggle was real but I hid that. I felt frustrated. I thought that I may never be able to provide my very patient husband a family (something he had craved for years and years previously.) I will not labour (get it?!!) my points here as you will get to read and learn my full story but as I held our precious Daughter close the idea of going back to a job fills my whole being with utter dread because I am now Amber:Mother! And that is more than enough. In fact, to this little girl that clings to me as I speak that means EVERYTHING.
I don’t know if I am “good enough” to become a recognised Mum Blogger (the crippling self doubt kicks in as soon as I come to publish these bits of writing!) Comparison is the theif of joy. Is my story worthy to tell? I am not a perfect mum, but I am not a “unicorn” mum or these other labels thrown around the world of social media. Could I be an influencer? I have seen that people listen to what I have to say but will that translate when I am not the most hilarious Mum out there? I do not do yoga, or wear a perfect face of makeup whilst I build beautiful photo sets to capture my child in all sorts of beautiful poses (how do you make it look so easy Blog Mums of our time?!) I spend much of my day just watching my little lady who amuses me for 12 hours a day before Daddy comes home to be tagged in to the childcare!!
The dream is to 1) successfully raise a little person who makes the world that little bit better and 2) Level up my writing to a place whereby I bring in enough pennies to be able to stay at home and pay the bills. Anything else is a bonus but all I know is is that Bea is my complete motivation (sorry to those who have nagged at me for years to peruse this career/direction!!)
As a helpful guide to you, Dear Reader I will be using this blog to review the best baby tools as my little Bea finds herself hitting milestones and new challenges (there are so many incredible items on the market that in all honesty it often bamboozles me!), particularly with a leaning towards sustainability as I want to teach Bea the importance of protecting our world (as devastatingly I don’t believe she will live in a time growing up with the God that walks as man on this Earth David Attenborough *holds back tears*) I have a passion for supporting small business as it allows real people to explore their passions and skills. This blog thus far has allowed me to connect with some wonderful business owners, but more importantly people; who’s stories have been inspiring, at times heartbreaking or emotional too, but there are beautifully comedic moments too and I love to learn about what makes a person tick.
This year I have plunged into a lesser known world of brand repping which is something I have really been able to enjoy with Bea. It often gives us direction for our days (because we have needed to promote the wares I now off the back of this has extra super adorable pictures that I may not have otherwise captured so it is a win win!)
A lot of my writing will centre around childloss as this was my crash landing into Morherhood and to advocate awareness. Those one in four women who have suffered are not alone and I hope that they may find some comfort in my Rainbow Tale. Mental Health is a very important issue particularly in today’s fast paced world and I believe that in order for Mothers to build resilient little people, they too need to feel like they can take on the world, so I will have a section dedicated to all things Momma (because you matter the most in the world to your child) and you should feel like a Goddess.
Thankyou for sticking with it if you are still intently reading and want to continue delving into our story (the next read from here should really be “Bea and I: The Buzz”.) I am so excited to be joining the Mum Mafia and hopefully providing some useful advice that I wasn’t given before becoming a Mummy!
– Bea’s Mummy x