#SAYTHEIRNAMES: VOICES OF LOSS- THE COLLECTIVE (Part 3)

On the fifteenth day of October Parents of Loss join in a collective consciousness for “Wave Of Light” proceedings to remember each and every baby or child who grew their wings too soon. This day is often a cornerstone for remembering our babies as an Angel Parent and at 7pm tonight we light our candles, speak our child/children’s name into the Universe and spread Love and Light in remembrance. Please feel free to do the same and honour the little souls that never walked this earth in life but live on through memories and a heart full of love.

By the previous post I had reached unlucky number 13, so will be surpassing the numbers of stories I set out to tell. But every life is important so I feel it is now my duty to continue to tell these tragic tales from the mouths of bereaved Mothers & Fathers (I have far fewer stories from the perspective of the Daddies though. Perhaps this relates to my previous post about feelings of being forgotten about in loss.)

Here is the next wave of tributes to lost little ones and aptly so, as part of The Wave Of Light. I hope that any bereaved parent finds their own way to grieve today but to also remember their truly loved and never-forgotten angel.

Tobias Hayes

“I found out I was pregnant on the 23rd September 2017. My partner, Jamie and I had only been together 8 months so I was scared to tell him. However I plucked up the courage and he was over the moon. I organised my midwife appointment and we had 43124917_309164136337446_9222762048419528704_nworked out I was about 7 weeks. I’d had a really difficult year, fell out massively with my dad, was in the process of moving house so had put down missed periods to stress. Two weeks later we had our first scan. I was nervous. I didn’t feel pregnant. I didn’t feel any different however once that little wriggle popped up on the screen all those worries left.

We were so happy. Everything was well, baby was healthy and then the woman said ‘you said you were about 9 weeks? It’s a big baby. I’d say you were about 20 weeks. You’re having a boy’. I was in fact 5 months pregnant. The next week I started to feel movements and knew I was definitely carrying the perfect little boy. We instantly named him Tobias.

The 4 months I had left were a breeze, no problems apart from some back pain and hip pain. On Sunday 11th February 2018, 6 days before my due date, I woke up, went for a wee like normal. Walked to the bedroom and suddenly felt a gush of water. I shouted to my partner and suddenly panicked. Knowing that at any point from then I was going to have to push out a baby. We went to the hospital who confirmed my waters had started to go and booked me in two days later to be induced. We went to bed as normal, I couldn’t sleep, worrying about what was going to come. At 1am I had a twinge. I knew this was it. I fell asleep and we both woke up at 8am and I told Jamie that I think I’d been having contractions. At this point they were closer and more painful. He played xbox all morning as I sat there internally thinking ‘HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BE PLAYING FALLOUT RIGHT NOW I’M ABOUT TO SHIT OUT A BABY’. I didn’t say it but I thought it.

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At 2pm we made our way to the hospital. They checked me over and monitored Tobias’ heart rate etc. I had a sweep and then the pain was indescribable. After a long 9 hours it was finally time to bring my little man into the world. With Jamie, my mum and Jamie’s mum by my side, a perfect 7lb5oz little bundle entered the world. He’d spent a lot of time in the birth canal and his heart rate dropped however with 10 minutes under a uv light and some checking over he was absolutely fine. The next 6 months were simply perfect. He was happy and healthy. Never cried, never whinged. Just perfection. The most content little boy. We watched him learn to smile, laugh, roll over and start to sit all on his own. He loved his food. By 6 months he weighed 19lbs.

Toby the Tank. He knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it with his cheeky little grin and his beaming blue eyes. He was everyone’s golden boy. On the 19th August we set off on our first family holiday. Me, Jamie, Toby, Jamie’s sister and cousin. A canal boat holiday near Manchester. We had the best week. However what started as out first family holiday turned into our last family holiday. On the second to last night, we put Toby to bed at 8pm. He was grizzly from teething but otherwise absolutely fine. We stayed up and played card games. Jamie checked on Toby at 10:30 and he was just going off to sleep. We decided to go to bed at about 00:20, Jamie made sure the boat was locked up and I headed to the bedroom unaware that my life was about to come crumbling down. I noticed Toby was sleeping strangely. I instantly panicked. I picked him up on worry, he was floppy and grey. The smallest little breath left his lips.

I screamed to Jamie. Screaming ‘he’s not breathing’. We quickly rang 999 and started cpr. We were on a canal boat. In the middle of nowhere. Luckily we knew we were near a 43090000_945364665647698_3229362455045996544_npub. Within 10 minutes paramedics were jumping onto the boat, defibrillator was out and oxygen being administrated. I begged for them to save my baby. He was rushed onto the ambulance and I went with them. Jamie following behind with the police. That 15 minute journey felt like forever. We finally got the the hospital and he was rushed into resus. Me and Jamie sat at the end of the bed as nurses and doctors rushed around Toby.

There faces speaking a thousand words. They told us there was a faint pulse but he wasnt breathing. I watched as the machine went round in a circle ‘no breath found, no breath found, slight vibration, no breath found’. At 2:20am a doctor walked towards us and said the words that crushed us ‘we’ve done everything we can and I’m sorry there’s no more we can do.’ our perfect little boy, who had only 8 hours before been giggling his head off and smiling with his daddy, had been so cruelly taken from us.” – India Emily-Rose Gibson.

Grace Woods

“I was so happy to find out I was pregnant with my first baby, I always knew I wanted to be a mum from a young age. I went to my first scan and everything was as it should, I was so excited and kept buying things (who wouldn’t with their first?!) At my 20 week scan I was told my baby would be a girl but one of her kidneys had an issue but was reassured it was normally even though more likely to be found with boys, I had to have extra 2 weekly scans and tests one of those would be a check for gestational diabetes.

 

I had the test booked for my 28th week and on my 27th week I had a midwife appointment but the midwife couldn’t find my babies heartbeat, she said it could be because baby had moved and she couldn’t tell how she was laying so sent me to the hospital. So that’s what I did and again they couldn’t find it, I think in my heart I knew exactly what had happened I knew my baby had gone.

I went into a room and a consultant came to scan me and told me yes my babies heartbeat had stopped, I think my heart stopped too, I cried a little but think I was in shock, luckily my mum was with me she was my rock. I had to take some tablets to induce labour and to come back in 2 days time. I don’t even remember those 2 days.

I couldn’t go home I had a bedroom full of baby things so I stayed at my mum’s. The Thursday I went into hospital and had more tablets and lots of blood taken. I went into labour but again I don’t remember much as I had a morphine pump attached to me (that stuff is amazing!) I finally gave birth to Grace Friday 15th December 2006 at 04.55 and 42996821_2260147914026511_5460573690162839552_nshe weighed 4lb 3.5oz I couldn’t hold her after the midwife washed her and dressed her, I knew I wouldn’t be able to give her back. I regretted this for such a long time but I believe I did what was best for me at the time.

I can’t tell you how wonderful my consultant and the midwife were, so kind and caring towards me and Grace. I’ll never forget the love they gave us. Grace had to go to London for a post mortem along with my bloods etc after waiting all over Christmas we finally laid her to rest mid January 2007. I’ve never been through anything as painful in my life and I hope I never have to again I physically felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, how could I go on with out her? Why do I want to? But some how I did!

Grace had been very poorly it came back that 1 kidney didn’t work at all, 1 didn’t work properly, she had a hole in her heart, no ear canals, placenta was overly large and vessels missing from the umbilical cord, she drowned in her own amniotic fluid plus I did have gestational diabetes but was too late to find out I never did get the test in time. The guilt ate away at me I’m her mum why couldn’t I protect her? What did I do wrong? Should I have pushed for more tests and sooner?

I had a bit of a break down sometime after and was diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD but…….. I was pregnant again so I refused medication and has a nurse come and visit me every few weeks to talk, again I was excited to have another baby but the worry was at the front of my head and my heart. I had extra scans and tests the whole way through, they took great care of me it was amazing. I didn’t want to find out what sex I was having this time and I think my mum worried in case I couldn’t carry girls full term like others I know of but guess what!? I had a beautiful healthy little girl!

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My rainbow Caitlin the 21 months later I had my rainbow boy Aiden. Grace will always be my first, she will always be in my heart, she is my baby and she did exist, the kids always talk about her, we visit the baby garden and we have her memory box that we add to all the time. I will always tell people I have 3 children just that 1 of them was too special for earth.” –Lisa Elaine Keeling.

Teleri–Dior Cluskey

“On the 30th January 2016 we found out we were pregnant. excitement filled us for the next few weeks as we planned for our baby and brought all the things. We had regular scans; our girl was doing well and growing beautifully. I got to 37 weeks and felt a warmth of excitement knowing I would soon have my baby in my arms.. looking forward to all the night feeds and becoming a mummy again.

Nothing could prepare me for what was just about to happen. Wednesday the 14th of September my little girl was moving lots I fell asleep that night to constant kicks I’d watch my belly all the time. The love I felt for her was overwhelming I couldn’t wait to meet her.

Thursday morning I did all the usual mummy things get the kids to school came home cleaned and thought Teleri hadn’t moved yet. So I went for a bath drank a cold drink, did everything I could to get her to move. Nothing happened… although I wasn’t too worried. I thought she was having a lazy day! Then tea time came and still nothing.

Me and my partner drove to hospital to get checked over. We waited a while then finally the midwife came and she could tell by the look on my face I was worried, so she said for me to come and listen for the baby to put my mind at rest. She tried for what felt like ages to find a heart beat. I cried my eyes out because deep down I new but still hoped my baby was ok.

A second midwife came in and she tried still couldn’t find it. I had a scan and it was confirmed. The words will stay with me forever “I’M SORRY I’m so sorry…..” Our little girl went to sleep forever. It was all a blur but I remember I just screamed. The whole hospital went quiet I just screamed “No No No!”

I held onto Shaun asking him why, not us we had nothing but love to give why did god pick us?!! l never forget that day; a part of me died that day and ever since half of me is still dead. I’m here but I’m not. I’m a walking zombie that’s just doing what I need to but deep down I don’t want to be here…….

When I was told I’d be sent home for 2 days I just couldn’t believe it I didn’t want to go home. I wanted a c section there and then! Why are the making me do this making me go through labour?!!! All that pain for what?… NOTHING! I felt they were being really cruel and unfair….We sat for ages in disbelief.We were offered a tablet but decided not to take it. We needed time so we went home that night and just cried held each other.We were booked in to hospital the following night at 8 o’clock. We had that Friday to tell the other children- it was so so hard they didn’t really understand….

We set off for hospital at 7pm Friday night. I had the first tablet. My sister Leeanne was with us and we all stayed at the hospital all numb, all sat there planning her funeral, picking songs. My head felt like it wasn’t me doing this it was someone else.

Sunday morning came and I was given the next lot of tablets. I knew after having them I was to deliver my daughter that day. Around 2 in the afternoon the back ache started. Me, Shaun,my sister and my midwife Karen all sat; talking, crying and smiling. I was tugging hard on the gas and air as I felt each contraction, knowing with each contraction I was one step closer to having my little girl. I was so worried about seeing her but excited too.

Then 7.15 came and I felt like pushing but I didn’t tell my midwife that I was trying to hold my little girl inside me. I didn’t want her to come out because I knew I’d hear no cry I wouldn’t see her eyes open, see her move, feed her- that was something I wasn’t sure I could deal with, but at 7.30pm my little girl was born and I’m so so glad I felt every little bit of pain when I was in labour. I’m so so glad I did it naturally why shouldn’t I? I had done it naturally all my others, so why would I have wanted to have done it differently just because Teleri wasn’t alive? She’s still mine and I’ll never, ever regret anything about it!!!!

We were all crying, even Karen. She took my hand and said “Angie. Look at her… she’s beautiful!” I couldn’t look at Teleri straight away. I was so so scared. Shaun then said “Angie she’s beautiful look at her!” so I turned around and there was my beautiful little girl, there on the bed. Laying there waiting for mummy to pick her up and cuddle her.

So that’s what I did…the pain was unreal. She was perfect, absolutely perfect. My perfect little girl, my angel my everything!

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I took her in my arms and cried why you Teleri? WHY!!!! Daddy cut her cord and we both just sat and hugged and kissed her. We werr told we could have as long as we want with Teleri but that wasn’t true. I wanted forever. I even thought about taking my own life just to be with her. We had our own bathroom  in our room, on many occasions I thought about taking Teleri in there with me, locking the door and going To heaven with her.

I’m her mummy she will need me. How could I let her go on her own? I felt so guilty about not being with her I even thought about taking her in the car and just going and running away with her – how could I let her go on her own?!!!

We stayed in hospital until Wednesday. We knew with each hour, we had her she was ready to be put at rest. We decided we would be taking her home for Teleri to be picked up from there.

I put her under my top and carried her out the hospital and drove home with her I walked in the doors carrying her in my belly there was no way I wasn’t going to leave the  hospital without carrying her in my arms! So that’s what I did. I carried her out and we drove home with her kissing the top of her head and promising her I would be strong. Be strong for her brother and sisters,deep down wondering if I could keep that promise.

I told her I loved her and told her I’d be seeing her again. We got home and spent about an hour with her. We walked her around and showed her each room. We talked to her none stop. Then the undertaker knocked on my door and my body froze because I knew it was time.

He was a lovely,tall man. He took my hand and I asked him one thing “Please look after my little girl!” I’ll never forget the look in his eye, and he said I’m honoured to take her. I’ll look after her and I knew he meant it.

I sat with Leeanne on the sofa crying cuddling my little girl. Shaun came over and said babe it’s time I couldn’t let go. He cried and said babe it’s time let me have her. My arms just held on tighter to her. I kissed her head and I told her I loved her and then I gave her to her daddy who cried his eyes out as he took her from me and out to the car.

I will never ever forget that me and Leeanne just sat holding each other crying uncontrollably… holding each other so so tight. That was it… my little girl was gone I knew I’d never see her again, I knew I’d never kiss,cuddle and touch her ever again.

How am I meant to live without her? Each day I live, and feel guilty because she’s on her own. Every day I think about what I did wrong… why did my body not do it’s job properly? Why did God pick Teleri? Why did God take her and left me and her daddy hurting to the point where we don’t want to live? Why is life so cruel? Why my perfect girl? They are all answers I’ll never know, but I’ll hold her in my heart forever.

I feel like I’m now just existing, not living. I’m actually looking forward to dieing because I know I’ll see her again. But for now my children at home need me too. I see the whole world carrying on; people laughing, people just doing normal things. I hated it – why are people laughing and smiling? My daughter is dead and people are laughing… surely they shouldn’t be!!!!

But life does go on.. people move on. They never forget but things move on! Death doesn’t scare me anymore because I know she’s waiting for me. Waiting for our cuddles and kisses I cannot wait for that day!

TELERI-DIOR CLUSKEY MY 6lbs 6oz OF PURE PERFECTION OUR HEAD AND HEARTS ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU. THERES NOT A MINUTE THAT PASSES WHERE YOU ARE NOT ON OUR MIND. I LOVE U MILLIONS AND I’LL BE SEEING YOU AGAIN! SLEEP TIGHT PRINCESS YOU ARE OUR EVERYTHING XXX” – Angela Teleri Owen

Ella Grace Ward

“After suffering a missed miscarriage in October 2016 with our first pregnancy, all we wanted was to try again for another baby. So after all checks were clear and my womb was checked over we decided to start trying straight away. We had heard that after a miscarriage you’re more fertile, so used that as an advantage. To our amazement it worked. November 30th 2016 we found out I was pregnant. We were over the moon, we were given a second chance to have a baby.

My symptoms were high, and we were trying to stay positive. It’s always difficult after a loss to try and keep calm and not stress about having another loss. We waited until the 12 weeks scan to tell everyone we were expecting. After everything we’d been through we didn’t want to risk telling anyone before. After all they say you’re “safe” after 12 weeks. So when the scan came, we were so nervous. I didn’t want to look at the screen when I first got scanned, but as soon as I did there was our baby wiggling away. Moving so much I had to go on 3 walks to get her moving.

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I was beyond happy that everything was okay, and that our baby was growing. I couldn’t wait to start shopping for our little wriggler. Everything was going so well. We got to the 20 week scan and everything was perfect. We also found out that our baby was a little girl. At that stage I wasn’t bothered at all what the gender was as long as she was healthy. Around 20-21 weeks I started feeling little kicks, as if someone was poking me from inside. The feeling was somewhat different but just incredible. We were buying so many little outfits for our princess. We had pretty much everything apart from a few small items.

At 25 weeks I went for my midwife appointment. This is when she checked the heartbeat. … although she couldn’t find it! As I had an anterior placenta, they said that could be the reason why and the positioning could just be awkward. So she arranged for me to go for a scan to check everything was okay. So all the way to the hospital I was thinking the worst. My boyfriend was trying to reassure me that everything was okay, and that our little girl was a fighter. When we got to the hospital and in for the scan, that unfortunately was not the case.

We heard those heartbreaking words for the second time “I’m sorry, you’re baby doesn’t have a heartbeat”. We were devastated. All this dreaming we’d been doing about our little family, had just shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t know what to do apart from break down in tears. The consultant went through the process with us, I was given a tablet to stop hormones and an anti d injection. Then on Saturday 29th April 2017, we went into hospital to have our baby delivered.

I remember asking when she was born, what she looked like. The midwife had described our little girl, and what her skin looked like. She was the most beautiful little angel I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Although after such a traumatic experience, I am so thankful for the time I got to spend with my daughter. The memories I got the make, just seeing and holding her. Never a day goes by where I won’t think of her. I just hope she’s as proud of me as I am of her.” – Megan Sharman.

 

Baby Cross 1 & Baby Cross 2

I first fell pregnant at 18 years old. It may seem young but we had tried and tried for our baby. We were over the moon. The pregnancy went fairly normal. I had had some bad cramping but had been told it was normal. Everything changed when I was 12 and half weeks pregnant. I started spotting brown blood. Again, I was told this was normal. It wasn’t till I lost a tiny clot that I knew. My worst fears were coming true.

We went to A&E where they checked my cervix, it was open. I was miscarrying. I ran to the toilet and in there I passed a big red clot. The size of my hand. In my hysterical state I flushed it down the toilet. I’m sure it was my baby, it’s something I’ve told no one and something I regret so so much. We were sent home. Told to rest.

3am the next morning and the pain was to much. I was in agony. I couldn’t take it and an ambulance was called. I had to have morphine just to get me into the ambulance. 10pm the next night after having an ultrasound which showed retained products but no baby I had a D&C. I was alone, my partner had to leave. I remember crying and crying, even as I was put under in theatre. And then when I was awake I was still crying. My baby was gone. We were devastated. Rip my little baby 04-09-16

Unfortunately that wasn’t the end. The beginning of December the same year we found out I was pregnant again. As you can imagine we were petrified of losing another baby. I had a little spotting and some cramping so requested a scan. There we saw a tiny little bean with a heartbeat! We were so relieved. There were concerns of the sac being to small so we were told to come back for another scan in 2 weeks.

We did and our baby had grown. We let out a breath of relief. Our baby still had a heartbeat. However there were still concerns about the sac. We went back for one last scan at 10 weeks and heard those devastating words ‘there’s no heartbeat’. It crushed us. I chose to have surgery but I had to wait 5 days. 5 days of knowing I was carrying around our dead baby inside me. The surgery happened and I was back home. No baby, just a broken heart and an empty uterus. Rip my little angel 24-01-17

I fell pregnant with my rainbow end of April, gave birth to him 5th January. He is amazing and the most precious thing. But my angels won’t be forgotten.” – Charlie Mason.

Alfie James Tooby

“I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd baby on the 3rd of June 2014. I was excited but scared as I wasn’t in a relationship with Alfies dad, and I already had my 2 boys from a previous relationship. So I wasn’t sure how I was going to cope; my other boys were only 2 and 4 but we would make it work.

I had my 12 week scan on 24th July and there he was this perfect little baby. We guessed and questioned if we were going to get a girl this time the pregnancy was so different? But all was going well as far as we were aware.43604342_248371099143435_3550296133823627264_n

20 weeks came and I went for my scan on the 23rd September. There he was with his beautiful strong heart. I cried when she told me I was having another boy. I was a little gutted but happy just to see him healthy. The sonographer struggled to measure 3cm of Alfies spine so she told me to go empty my bladder and jump up and down. She was rolling me over and was being quite rough but I presumed she knew what she was doing. She still couldn’t get these measurements so she sent me home with another appointment the next week. Little did I know I would never get to that scan.

On 26th September at around 8pm I starting getting slight pains. I put them down to braxton hicks and grabbed my hot water bottle and went up to bed. I managed to sleep through my pain which I kick myself for now. The next morning I got up with the boys still in pain so I rang the midwife she said any pain go to hospital. It was a Friday and the boys were due to go to their dad’s for the weekend at dinnertime so I said I’d go get checked then. My friend had come around to help with the boys for an hour or 2 until it was time to go. At 10.25 I was sitting in the kitchen and I felt a pop and my waters had gone. I knew what was to come so my friend rang an ambulance. I had started bleeding by then so I just sat on the floor crying.

My friend took the boys to their dad’s and I went to hospital on my own. Before I had even got to the lift I had the urge to push. At 11.36am on 27th September my perfect little boy was born too beautiful for this earth. There was No reason for him coming early so I still have no answers. I didn’t know what to do for the hours that followed just sat looking at my perfect boy just us 2 in our own little world for a short time. I didn’t take many photos of Alfie in fact if the hospital hadn’t taken a few I would only have the one so I’m grateful for that.

The hospital asked if I wanted to arrange his funeral or if I wanted them too but I needed to do just one last thing for Alfie.

We had his funeral on the 6th October. It was beautiful I had Jack Johnson better together playing as I carried his tiny coffin, it was a small service only 6 people attended. Makes me sad my family didn’t come but makes it more special for me.

The months that followed were a blur I decided not to tell the boys about Alfie I felt they were too young and needed protecting. Which only made my grieving process harder.”- Nicole Louise Tooby.

Luna Belle

“October- more known in the loss community as Pregnancy and infant loss awareness month -has made me feel really reflective on our journey to get here today and the importance of sharing that story. The story of my little baby, Luna Belle.

For those of you who don’t know much about Luna, on the 21st December 2016 at 8:30 am I went into labour at 41 weeks pregnant. A further 18 hours passed and my waters broke, 23 hours after that she was finally born at 1:32 am on 23rd December. After a traumatic back to back labour spanning two days she was finally here! Born alive but not crying, already dying of congenital pneumonia. Her death or even illness were totally unforeseen and we were unaware until she was here.

Luna was worked on for 55 gruelling minutes at my bedside given blood transfusions and various effort to help her breathe unassisted whilst we remained totally unaware if she would make it, watching her heart rate elevate and thinking we were finally in the clear. Before being told that IF she made it, at this point she would be severely brain damaged. Ok I thought. As long as she lives we can deal with anything.

Off Luna and her dad went, whisked to NICU, for her to fight for another 45 minutes before I was finished up in our delivery room to join them. Wishfully thinking everything would be fine, but soon as I got up there the look on Ryan’s face was enough to know.

Just after 3 am Luna was handed to me to pass away in her mummy’s arms peacefully and everything else turned into a blur.

Our healthy perfect little girl lost her life to an infection after a complication free, seemingly perfect pregnancy. She was overdue and a healthy chunky weight of 7 lb 11 oz. We as her parents were only 19 & 21 and totally healthy ourselves. It has always been our belief that with better care, the outcome could have been totally different and today we’d have a crazy very almost 2 year old. Yet we spent our Christmas Eve having to tell people about the news of our little girls arrival and departure from this life.

We thought nothing could happen after 12 weeks, let alone so close to the finish line. When I finally went into labour we thought she was safe, we were safe. We thought this was rare and that it would never be us.

We weren’t safe and this is not rare.

As we now know, we are one in four.” – Lauren Wilkinson.

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Logan Frederick Whittington

“ I found out I was expecting Logan in October 2016, it had taken some time to decide to extend our family as our twin boys were 5 and our eldest was 10.
Everything was amazing, I paid for a private scan at 16 weeks on xmas eve and we found out we were having another little boy, amazing! Couldn’t wait to bring him home to our family, our boys all couldn’t wait to be big brother’s.

At the 20 week scan our world came crashing down, we had a really horrible sonographer who asked me to go out and go for a wee before trying to scan some more as she couldn’t see that clearly. I put this down to being a bigger girl anyway but did as she asked. We went back in the scan room and she scanned for less than a minute before slamming down the probe and refusing to scan any longer, basically telling me that she couldn’t see parts of baby’s brain, his chest and heart weren’t formed properly and was pear shaped, he has rocker bottom feet, a 2 vessel umbilical cord, and very low amniotic fluid round him. She then told me she was taking us upstairs to discuss termination with the consultants….hang on what?! I came in to see my baby now I was being told how to end the pregnancy at 20+6…the consultants and screening team went through the process and explained everything to me, but I still wasn’t sure and discussed being seen at a better hospital to confirm what was wrong, if anything with my baby boy, they sent me up to London to St George’s the following day to be seen by doctors on machines far superior to the ones I’d been on already.18198389_10154611978383660_1199828485869990547_n

I left the hospital not knowing what was going on, I’d been feeling my baby move since 17 weeks, how could I not be bringing him home?

The following day we went to London and were up there all day, I had bloods done and scans where they found the only issues were the 2 vessel cord and the low amniotic fluid, I had a cardiac scan on baby and his heart was perfect and he looked perfect! The consultants were convinced I had been slow leaking since 16 weeks approx but never knew about it as such a small amount. I traveled to and from London 4 or 5 times more and had tests including a cvs test where they inserted a needle to test the placenta for any chromosomal issues, of which there were none, what a relief!! I was then told to go to and from my local hospital to just keep an eye on things.

At 27+3 I woke up around 4am, and went to the bathroom as thought I needed to pee, but it wasn’t pee, it was bloody waters, something was wrong! I screamed to my husband Nick and he called my friend to come and sit with our older boys before an ambulance collected us and took us to hospital, I was hooked up to iv antibiotics and tested for infection, I wasn’t labouring and the consultant swore my waters hadn’t broken, even on following morning when I got up to use the loo before I was due to go home and my jeans and the floor was covered in a huge amount of blood and waters the midwives and me all knew it was waters but the consultant didn’t agree!! At handover the new day team took over and sent me to a hospital in Brighton as they have the special care unit for babies from 23 weeks whereas my local hospital only took from 32.

I was transported via ambulance and put in a room there, it was so hot and on the 13th floor. I was hooked up to more iv lines and had magnesium sulphate, it assists in protecting babys brain from cerebral palsey, I’ve never known pain like it, it burns as it go in your arm, I felt like I was on fire and had to wrap my arm in freezing wet towels to reduce the pain. After 3 days there I was allowed home, I was still leaking waters but it meant my baby was regenerating waters himself which was a good sign. I had to go into the local hospital twice a week for blood tests and scans to keep an eye on things.
A week later I was back in as I started labouring, but it stopped and I was allowed home the same day.18951253_10154704540458660_3898586373048066517_n

After that I was in hospital twice weekly and all was looking great, baby had tiny pools of fluid round him and was growing good, I found support from groups and spoke to others who had experienced the same as me, at varying gestations and with varying outcomes. It gave me hope.

We booked our c section for 34+4 on the 2nd May 2017, as guidelines don’t like you going further than 34/35 weeks. I had a date, I just had to get there.
The weekend before my section I was in hospital, steroids to help boost his lungs, a scan which showed him practice breathing, and bloods to prep for the section all done. My infection marker (crp level) was 7, that was the lowest it had been the entire time since my waters broke, amazing!!

The night before my section I went to my friends and stole use of their shower, I wasn’t allowed to bath since my waters broke so shower it was in prep for the section the following morning. I went home and had meatballs and spaghetti and just felt exhausted so took my pre-meds and went to bed about 10:30pm.

I woke up just after midnight in the early hours of the 2nd May in agony and screamed for Nick, he ran in and called the hospital. I’d never been in proper labour before so didn’t know contractions or what they felt like. Hospital got us to go in, again we called my friend and she came to us for the boys, with the plan to take them to school as normal for them.

We got to hospital and I immediately threw up over the midwife, it was so embarrassing I needed to go to the loo and then found meconium, I knew something was really wrong.
I was still in agony and it was getting worse, the theatre team were prepping for me in case my section had to be done earlier than the planned time of 8am.18274885_10154620683153660_4844315649631396936_n

I managed to get onto the bed and they tried to find a heartbeat with the doppler, he’d always hidden but I think deep down I knew, they then got the scan machine and another midwife came in who was trained to use it. He placed the probe on my tummy and I couldn’t stay still due to the pain so I kept moving, eventually he managed to find our little man clearly, he was laying there, so still…nothing…no heartbeat…
He said he was sorry and that my baby had no heartbeat.he left the room to get a consultant to confirm he was gone, I turned to Nick and said I was sorry for letting him down, I felt to blame, it’s my job to keep him safe and I failed.

Before the midwife came back I said to the other two midwives that something was down below I could feel it, the midwife asked my consent for her to check and when she checked it was my baby’s bum, he was breech and he had decided it was time to arrive. I was given a shot of diamorphine and told it takes 15 mins to kick in, I made the comment we didn’t have that time…

With that I had to push, my body took over and did what it needed to do. 3 pushes and my gorgeous boy was born…silence…nothing…
I was asked if I wanted to see him, of course I did, he’s my son, I needed him in my arms. He was passed to me and he looked identical to one of my twin boys. He had the thickest black hair I’d ever seen! He looked like he was sleeping, come on little man wake up…nothing…

I went into shock and became ill with sepsis, I had so many lines in me i didn’t know what was going on. I was moved to a bigger room with him and midwives helped me bath him, and take prints of his hands and feet, as well as give him a haircut. We dressed him and cuddled him and they gave us a cuddle cot to use with him.
Tests came back showing group b strep had been on him, me and the placenta, and they believe this caused sepsis and took my son and nearly me too.
My gorgeous boy Logan Frederick Whittington, 5lb 4oz.

After 4 days of being in hospital we were able to take Logan and spend more time at a local hospice, our older boys came too and met their little brother, and made memories together, walks in the woods, and storytimes etc. They were supported by trained therapists to help them process things and it helped them a lot, and they still have that support to this day.

On the following Tuesday when Logan was due to have been a week old we moved again, it was time to come home. We drove Logan to the funeral directors and placed him in a moses basket with teddies and presents from us and family. We visited daily both with and without our boys and spent time with him, made plans for his funeral, cuddled him and read him stories, I didn’t want the days to go by, I didn’t want the funeral to come.
The morning of his funeral we visited him, the boys had decided they didn’t want to come which we understood, and I organised his casket and placed him in it with letters and pictures from his brothers, teddies and blankets, I didn’t want the last person to touch him to be a stranger. It was my job to make sure he was safe and comfortable. They picked us up from home with Logan and we sat in the car with our boy on route to the chapel.18893286_10154704540463660_2598566996101718447_n

When there I was amazed so many people turned out for our boy. I carried him into the chapel to Colleen McMahon “Beautiful Boy”, I still don’t know how I did it, the service was beautiful, we had Ed Sheeran “small bump” play in the middle to take time to reflect before the car took him to the children’s section. We walked up the hill with family before Nick carried our boy to the graveside. I couldn’t do this…I panicked I didn’t want him going in the ground.

We placed sunflowers in the ground on his casket from me and his dad, and both sets of grandparents before releasing mint green balloons for him.
Our boy is always with us, but I so wish I’d been able to bring him home, I wish I’d been able to save him.”- Gemma Whittington.

With heartfelt thanks to these courageous and beautiful Warrior Goddesses who have bravely shared their stories and year after year ensure their beautiful babies are remembered and loved.

At 7pm tonight I will be lighting my candle and #RememberingMylo. Our shining star and the biggest piece of my heart that went missing on 03.06.2017. I send all Angel Parents strength and hope that tonight is a healing process for you. I know that I will undoubtedly shed a tear, but I will lift my tealight proudly and say his name.

I hope that so far this series for Baby Loss Awareness Week 2018 has inspired you to tell your story. There will always be ears for listening and hearts open for support. Sadly we are not alone in our grief but my biggest hope is that one day I will not hurt as much as I do now.

#StaySweet and be Kind to One Another.

 

My inbox is still open and I will continue to share these stories for as long as parents are happy to say their babies names and share. Please contact me if you would like for your Angel to appear in an upcoming post.

 

2 thoughts on “#SAYTHEIRNAMES: VOICES OF LOSS- THE COLLECTIVE (Part 3)

  1. My baby (NeilThomas Murton) was stillborn in March 1973 and I still haven’t got over it. My biggest regret is not having the opportunity to see him after the birth. It would have helped to give me closure. He was full term and a breech (which Freedom Fields Hospital was aware of) When I went into the delivery room he had a good heartbeat. The delivery started getting diifficult ánd they gave me something to knock me out. When I game round I was in some awful room, the sort broken beds and other things are stored in. I don’t think there was even
    a window there. My husband had to tell me we had lost the baby. They kept me in over night and this awful room was next to the delivery room so most of the night I heard newly born babies crying and people in the corridor saying it’s a boy or girl. As to be expected I was crying most of the time but was told by the Sister to stop crying. When I arrived home I was visited by the midwife Sister Martin (Plymstock) for (I think it was 10 days) Never saw a health visitor or doctor. The following August I had a daughter (also a breech) by caesarian.
    It was not an enjoyable pregnancy as I feared for the outcome. My advice to anyone suffering a stillbirth, see your baby, have a funeral or cremation it will help with your closure. Then get involved in some charity work
    until you feel ready to try again. God bless all those parents who have lost their babies.

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    1. Diane I am so sorry for your loss. It just goes to show that our hurt never goes away and it is something that is a part of our every day… even if the people around us seem to forget. So sorry also for such an awful experience. Luckily now the blow is a little softer as there is better support surrounding bereaved parents. I definetly agree about the steps you can take towards your grieving journey and closure. Thank you for sharing your story.

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